Tagged: Instructional

Heckler Instructional: A Few Do’s/Don’ts of Being a Baseball Fan

Do–Get to the ballpark early to take in ‘beeps'(Batting Practice), and maybe jockey for an autograph from the backup Bullpen Catcher.

Don’t–Have 6 Beers watching BP if you plan on drinking during the game…that is, unless you’re single and you occasionally enjoy going home w/the 46yr-old woman sitting next to you who is twice your weight, has chronic halitosis, and a moustache thicker than Tom Selleck’s.

Do–Learn how to keep a good scorecard, as it is a great way to be into the game, and true fans around you will love you.

Don’t–(Note to self:)Be such a complusive scorekeeper that you miss 1/2 of an inning figuring out Derrick Lee’s OPS to the 11th decimal on Friday day games vs LHP under cloud cover against St.Louis.

Do–Find the right moment to heckle the umpires w/a well-placed phrase such as "Hey blue!!, Open your zipper and use your good eye."

Don’t–Be the blowhard who has to say something after every pitch, usually no more creative than ‘You ***!".

Do–Sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ at the top of your lungs during the 7th inning stretch, because when you do it in places like the grocery store or library, strange men in white suits show up toting E.L.K.’s–Emergency Lithium Kits, with your name on them.

Don’t–Mess up the words to the one of the most revered songs ever.  Especially if out on a date with a gorgeous woman who you have no business being seen with, but you have good seats and she’s a baseball nut.  Your slim chance at some post-game extra-curricular activity will immediately vanquish.  Plus, I will taunt you a 2nd time.

Do–Fraternize w/the beer vendors.  They are your friend, and a little small talk goes a long way for service.

Don’t–Yell to the peanut guy, "I would really like to taste your salty nuts in my mouth!"

Do–Be actively involved in the game, cheering louder in big situations. 

Don’t–In any big situation such as your pitcher needing the final out of the game w/the bases loaded, and it is already pre-ordained that the ENTIRE CROWD will be getting up to cheer, be the white-trash ******* who stands up a milli-second before everyone and waves his arms up as if HE, and only HE, is telling everyone to stand and cheer.  Don’t be the ‘Get-Up Guy’.

Peace, E Maj