Tagged: Baseball 9
A Few of My Favorite Things at the Ballpark
(a re-print of a favorite post, and why I love going to the park)
1) A young child learning the game, and eagerly anticipating that foul ball he just knows is going to be hit to him.
2) Singing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ during the 7th inning stretch, and for 5 minutes, the peace and harmony of 40,000 people not caring what’s wrong in their life or in the world.
3) Knowing exactly what hotdogs are made from, and not caring one iota as I order two.
4) Watching the professionalism of the grounds crew, who enjoy their jobs, and treat the field as the sacred place that it is.
5) Having fun with good friends as we think of how many peanut guy slogans we can come up with "Put some of my salty nuts in your mouth, they’re delicious".
6) A classic pitcher’s duel, where the first(and only) mistake loses the game.
7) The crack of the bat, the crescendo of the roaring crowd, a well-timed well-placed Heckle.
8)Being outdoors on a 75 degree night, a 7 dollar beer, and all the Sunflower Seeds one can spit as we map out our ‘Foul Ball Strategy’.
9) Calling pitches and talking baseball w/friends and strangers who appreciate the infinite amount of algorithmic possibilities that can occur from pitch to pitch.
First Pitch Possibles
As I have alluded to, I am 90% certain in the not too distant future I will be throwing out an Opening Pitch for a Triple A ballclub(details to follow). With that in mind (participation encouraged, post a comment or email me at e-maj@spikesballparks.com ) a Baseball 9 of ways to throw it.
1)Shake off the catcher.
2)’Hit the bull’
3)Throw at an official standing too close to the batter’s box.
4)Pitch from the stretch.
5)Bring my rosin bag and keep chalking my hand.
6)Left-handed pickoff move to first base.
7)Ask the umpire for a different ball.
8)Use an emory board or some vaseline.
9)Do a pitcher’s impression. (I do a great Fernando Valenzuela, and a transcendant Bruce Hurst impression)
Peace, E Maj
Baseball 9: SureFire Ways to Get Beaned Breaking Baseball’s Unwritten Code
There are several surefire ways a player or his teammate can get beaned(hit by pitch) intentionally, for breaking one of Baseball’s unwritten laws. So unless a player is a masochist and enjoys getting drilled in the ear by a 95 mile per hour fastball, he should abide by these rules
1) Don’t hit the Star player for the other team, or we’ll hit yours.
2)Don’t show up a pitcher during a home run trot(by going too slow, too fast, or celebrating too much), or you or your teammate will soon be splattered.
3)Don’t drag bunt/steal when up by 5 runs or more after the 5th inning.
4)Don’t drag bunt PERIOD against 6’10" Left-Handed Monsters named Randy who throw 99 mph and don’t like to field drag bunts(it’s said Mr. Johnson is not fond of fielding bunts)
5)Don’t stand too close to the batting circle to time pitches when the pitcher is warming up in between innings.
6)Don’t spend 4 minutes stepping out of the batter’s box during every pitch of an at-bat, like the Human Rain Delay Mike Hargrove. (the umps have become more vigilant in making batters speed it up…witness even Nomar has about 1/2 his idiosyncrasies these days)
7)Don’t call your home run shot by pointing to the stands like Babe Ruth (or Tom Berenger in ‘Major League’) did.
8)Don’t throw a broken bat that comes onto the field back at the batter who broke it, (see: Piazza/Clemens)
and Baseball Number 9:
Don’t sleep w/an opposing player’s wife.
Peace, E Maj
Baseball Nine: A Few of My Favorite Things at the Ballpark
(Editor’s Note: With Spring Training right around the corner, the BB Heckler puts on his skirt and waxes sentimentally on his love of being at the Ballpark)
1) A young child learning the game, and eagerly anticipating that foul ball he just knows is going to be hit to him.
2) Singing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ during the 7th inning stretch, and for 5 minutes, the peace and harmony of 40,000 people not caring what’s wrong in their life or in the world.
3) Knowing exactly what hotdogs are made from, and not caring one iota as I order two.
4) Watching the professionalism of the grounds crew, who enjoy their jobs, and treat the field as the sacred place that it is.
5) Having fun with good friends as we think of how many peanut guy slogans we can come up with "Put some of my salty nuts in your mouth, they’re delicious".
6) A classic pitcher’s duel, where the first(and only) mistake loses the game.
7) The crack of the bat, the crescendo of the roaring crowd, a well-timed well-placed Heckle.
8)Being outdoors on a 75 degree night, a 7 dollar beer, and all the Sunflower Seeds one can spit.
9) Calling pitches and talking baseball w/friends and strangers who appreciate the infinite amount of algorithmic possibilities that can occur from pitch to pitch.
Peace, E Maj
Baseball 9: Top Places Florida Marlins Should Relocate To
It seems apparent the Marlins are setting up to re-locate, given their recent fire-sale. The BB Heckler thought he’d ponder where they might end up.
1)Havana
2)Montreal (ha!)
3)Lake Titicaca (yes, that was juvenile, but, well, who are we talking about here?)
4)Kansas City (because they don’t have a Major League Baseball team)
5)Margaritaville
6)****, MI
7)Del Boca Vista
8)Katmandu
9)Van Down By the River
come up with some more!!
Peace, E Maj
ericm1@nase.org
Baseball 9: Why Theo Epstein Left Boston
1)for the next 5 years, the RedSox are going to be worse than my chronic halitosis, and he wanted to preserve his legacy.
2)sick of people confusing him w/Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter
3)Manny Ramirez’ agent threatened to give him the "Dominican Necktie" if Theo didn’t trade him
4)he’s allergic to clam chowder(chow-dah)
5)he wants to be Billy Beane’s assistant in Oakland
6)his name, Theo Epstein, doesn’t sound good in a Boston accent(no R’s)
7)wants to create the conglomerate, EPSTEINBRENNER
8)was mad that Larry Lucchino asked for his mom’s phone number
and Baseball #9:
9)he couldn’t find a good falafel anywhere in Boston
Peace, E Maj
write me at ericm1@nase.org
By Special Request: Cardinal Heckles, A Baseball 9
per special request, Heckler Nation’s favorite female fan(yes, Heckler gets excited by a good alliteration..i know, like OGRE said, NEERRDDD!) Niki, Cub fan and vivacious Wrigleyville crooner for the Paramours www.theparamours.com, is headed into hostile St.Louis territory to visit her main man’s fam. Whilst one could spend hours philosophizing on what these strange bedfellows[:)] could teach us about love(see: James Carville/Mary Matalin http://www.salon.com/feb97/carville970212.html, Heckler thought of no better way than to kick off his first BASEBALL NINE column to arm Lady Nik w/some Heckler Bullets
1)St.Louis has never won consecutive World Series and the Cubs have(1907, 1908).
2)Reggie Sanders had 8 K’s in 18 NLCS at-bats. I’ve seen better contact from 2 positive-side magnets.
3)Rick Ankiel couldn’t pitch, so they made him an OF. If he can’t hit, where to next?…How ’bout 3rd base coach, Oquendo couldn’t hit either.
4)We have a coach named **** Pole and you don’t.
5)Weren’t the ‘Greatest Show on Turf’ Rams favored by 15 points in the 2001-02 Super Bowl?..Thought so.
6)The Cards are having a "Trigger the first Wrecking Ball" raffle to demolish the old Busch stadium. Just make sure the winner isn’t Cards OF So Taguchi…he might miss..( 0-for the NLCS)
7)Retiring 38 yr-old OF Larry Walker struggled all year with a stiff neck. The Viagra he swallowed musta got caught in his throat.
8)The Cards scored only 15 runs in 6 games of the NLCS. I think the hitting coach should (John) Mabry[.125 BA] start looking for a new job.
AND BASEBALL #9:
9)If you don’t zip it, you ain’t gettin’ any Yadier tonight.
disclaimer: The Heckler is in no way liable for the wrath of any team fan offended by his musings as he is an equal opportunity heckler, witnessed by he heckles himself for a bad parallel parking job
Peace, E Maj
ericm1@nase.org
Baseball Heckler 